Many Of My Stories Have A Little Rain. Scottsdale, 1984.
Posted on September 12th, 2024 in pinning the map
So much of this life has been unsettled. Running, waiting, running again. But no complaints, not really. The good outweighs the bad.
So much running, it teaches you to look sharp. When the world is road and a series of rest stops, you start to see the differences as sharply as the similarities. This hotel looks just like the last, but look here: the pictures on the wall are different. That stretch of highway has gone on for years, but there’s a new mile marker, same as the last, but just a little higher. You learn to look forward, count the ground you gained, remember the things you’ve seen, and that everything moves in circles, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t gone anywhere.
And the waiting, well. Everyone needs to learn how to wait, sometimes. Take moments of peace and patience, and never forget what it’s like to move. Always be ready to go, but don’t forget to live, now. You don’t have to unpack, but don’t sedate yourself to get to your flight.
Those are things I learned a little later than reading, but a little before I started school.
Mom and I ran to Scottsdale, Arizona, before I was old enough to know what we were doing. I don’t remember much of the drive through California, but I can conjure images of the desert, the highway, the radio — not the car radio but a giant boombox with a tape player and Disney readalong tapes I’d well memorized. I only had normal child remembering, then, or I think I would have tried to catch more of the scenery as we tore south. I knew we were going, but it wasn’t until we got there that I think I started to understand we were Gone.
We ran a lot, while we were there. Mom was a nurse, swing shift, and we ran to daycare so she could get to her shift. And we hightailed it out of there at the end of the day, when the sun was down and no one else was running anywhere. But then, in between the running, we took our time in empty grocery stores, deserted donut shops, quiet parks, and just us matinees on days off in scorched strip malls.
The world was perfect, in between the running — but we were always running out of time.
Scottsdale was rotting and molding and dying from the inside out. Every time a new development went up, it tore up the festering soil, and spread the disease into the air. And the air was often still, but the desert wind would pick up at the worst of moments, and spread that fungus through the city like a plague. The thing about Valley Fever is that, although it generally manifests no worse than a flu, if you happen to weigh nothing at all already, you might have a worse time.
So I took a breath, one day, and the dying city of a dying summer spread to my body.
And it all sounds very romantic when I put it like that, but what bluntly happened is I inhaled a fuckton of mold and I started losing weight I didn’t have.
That’s when I started to understand running and waiting, for the first time.
Wait, maybe I’ll get better. We’re still running, just wait. Wait, it’s almost over. We’re running out of time.
And I started… understanding. I started paying closer attention to everything, because I knew I’d have to leave soon, one way or another. I started noticing how tired mom looked, sometimes. I started seeing how worried she really was. I started trying to figure out why we’d come here in the first place, and why I didn’t want to leave, even though I didn’t like everything. If I close my eyes and flip back through the album of my mind, the world pulls sharply into focus, those months, as details became important — filed away forever.
And that’s why I remember, so perfectly, so sharply, the rain.
I remember the feeling inside the apartment, the air getting sharper but fuzzier at the same time. The sky outside was a hazy violet of sundown, the inside was a brown and yellow mess from the kitchen light. My giant boombox was on the floor, where sometimes I recorded letters to send to my grandparents, songs and letters, and sometimes I recorded nothing at all just to listen to it played back. But mom and I gathered up the big metal bowl and some pots and went outside to the concrete sidewalk outside the door and waited for the rain.
We could see the storm coming from miles away. The sky was a flat and sparking mirror of the desert below. And we put the pots and bowls down to catch the warm rain and waited. I think the world was quiet, but I remember the sounds of traffic below, so it may just be that I don’t recall what we said while we waited. There may have been some soft sounds first, but soon enough came the roar of the storm, the singing of the metal catching the water. I danced, and laughed, and knew what perfect moments can come if you just pay attention. The good always, always outweighs the bad, if you let it.
Sometimes you have to wait, sometimes you have to run for it, and sometimes, if you’re ready for it, you can catch a bit in some battered pans to water the plants after.
Okay, that last bit’s rain, but the metaphor holds.